


love like an ache in the jaw

by stillhangingon



Series: Haikyuu!! Angst Week 2020 [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27350923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillhangingon/pseuds/stillhangingon
Summary: Day 2 of Haikyuu Angst Week 2020: "Was I ever enough?"Akaashi asks a soon to be married Bokuto whether or not he was ever enough.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: Haikyuu!! Angst Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995205
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	love like an ache in the jaw

“Was I ever enough?”

The words floated in the air for a bit, its weight not yet sinking in neither of the two men. Akaashi stood before Bokuto, finally making his presence known throughout the whole night. The two men were outside of the bar they had occupied for the night, Bokuto had gone out to get something from his car and Akaashi followed him. 

The bachelor party was on its dying legs, with the majority of the men already hammered enough to not even be able to stand up properly. Kuroo was slumped over a table, Iwaizumi and Daichi, equally as knocked out, were on top of him, creating a wonky liquor infused dogpile. 

Akaashi, fortunately, only drank a few shots of vodka. Enough to enable him to still stand and walk straight but not enough to stop him from confronting Bokuto. 

Bokuto who he had been in love with since he saw him deliver a spike so strong it shook the court and Akaashi’s entire being. 

Bokuto Koutaro, who was getting married --to a woman Akaashi didn’t even know the name of-- the next morning. 

Or in a few hours, rather. Since Akaashi was fairly certain that it was probably nearing 5am now. 

At Bokuto’s silence, Akaashi dipped his head down and cursed himself. 

**_Why did I say that? Dammit. He’s going to hate you._ **

**_He probably already does._** Another voice, much flatly responds. 

Akaashi thinks it makes sense, after all, he had broken Bokuto’s heart once. 

Under their favorite sakura tree. Bokuto had just graduated and confessed to him, his cheeks so rosy it matched the falling sakura petals. 

_“I really like you, Akaashi.” Bokuto had said, holding one of his hands. He remembers how ecstatic 2nd year-- about to be third year-- Akaashi was. This moment had only lived in his dreams._

_And now it was materializing right in front of his eyes._

_Akaashi remembers the shaky “I like you too, Bokuto-san” that came out of his wobbling lips before the two boys came together in a desperate hug and a kiss that tasted like salt and hurt with too much teeth._

_Akaashi wouldn’t have changed a single thing about that afternoon._

The memory hits him with so much melancholy that Akaashi’s body wobbles from it. He takes a step away from Bokuto but instead feels a grip around his arm. A strong familiar grip that Akaashi is sure is branded into his skin now.

“You were always enough for me, Keiji.” Bokuto starts. The use of Akaashi’s given name so intimate and reminiscent that Akaashi wanted to sob. 

He would never hear Bokuto call him that ever again. 

“You were always more than enough.” 

Bokuto’s thumb was drawing small circles around the bony part of his wrist now and, without thinking, Akaashi stepped closer to him. 

**_If I was enough, then why did you leave?_ **

_Akaashi remembers their first and only summer warm from the sun and of Bokuto. He remembers the two of them exploring each other, in every way. They had been each other’s firsts. They had taught each other how to kiss and how to love._

**_But we never learned how to keep that love._ **

  
  


A single step and now the two were close enough that they shared the same breath, the same air and Akaashi’s green eyes were locked with Bokuto’s.

_Could he do it? Would he do it?_

“Keiji,..” Bokuto’s rough hand was around his cheek now, much rougher than it was when he was still able to freely tangle his fingers around the others’.

Akaashi closed his eyes. His breath caught as the taller man leaned in. 

“Whoopsie there!” 

A slurred voice broke the two men apart, Bokuto’s hand leaving Akaashi’s wrist and cheek so quickly the editor wondered whether or not it even rested there in the first place. Instead the cold night made it place around Akaashi instead, he shivered minutely.

Kuroo was leaning on the doorway a few meters from where Bokuto and Akaashi were standing. His eyes were glazed over and cheeks pink, Akaashi doubted he could even put one plus one together much less figure out what the two men were doing outside alone at the dingy bar they had rented for the night. 

“I need to pee,” Kuroo lets out and starts walking over to the nearest bush, “Carry on..” he slurs out, his free hand waving them off. 

Akaashi and, uncharacteristically, Bokuto stayed silent throughout the whole ordeal. Letting Kuroo do his business in peace before he careened back towards the bar, only managing to bump into the doorway once.

They heard the door slam from behind them and only then did Akaashi release the breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Bokuto looked back at the door, at Akaashi then looked down.

Akaashi had always known Bokuto, and was always able to read him like a book better than anyone else. 

**_But you still couldn’t tell that he didn’t love you enough to stay with you._ **

_Akaashi remembers seeing a letter in Bokuto’s bedside drawer, when he was looking for clothes that he could borrow for the night. The taller boy was in the shower and Akaashi didn’t think much for it. He had thought, naively, that Bokuto would hide nothing from him._

_So the letter was a surprise._

Akaashi finally let out the sob that he had been keeping in. He could sense Bokuto panicking and hovering near him, close enough that he could feel the older man’s warmth but not be able to grab more of it. 

Akaashi wanted Bokuto to hold him and tell him that his overthinking was nothing, like how he used to when they still belonged to each other. But he knew better and Bokuto belonged to someone else now, someone Akaashi didn’t even know yet that someone had eventually become the center of Bokuto’s world. 

_It’s unfair._ Akaashi thought bitterly. _No one could ever love Bokuto like how I did._

**_But you left him, anyway._ **

_Akaashi remembers seeing Bokuto run towards him and grab the letter out of Akaashi’s numb hands. He had already read it. It was too late._

_Akaashi looked up, he didn’t know what face he was making at the time and his emotions were an inexplicable blur of sadness, yearning and love._

_“You got scouted.” Was all Akaashi could let out, Bokuto nodded silently, the paper now crumpled in his big hands._

_“You’re going to Tokyo.” And away from me, the words left unsaid._

_Quickly Bokuto looked up. “I wasn’t planning to.” He exclaimed and dropped the paper to instead hold unto his hands. “I wanna stay... with you.”_

**_I should’ve let him._ **

****

“I’m sorry I left you.” He grit out between wracking sobs. The words were rocky like a boat in stormy water. Akaashi was only hoping that Bokuto would receive them calmly.

Akaashi’s vision glasses had started to fog up and he abruptly grabbed them, not making a move to clear them whatsoever. He didn’t want to see the face Bokuto was making right now. 

He felt strong hands wrap around his back and a warm chest pressed against his chin. Akaashi inhaled sharply and returned the embrace. Akaashi felt a yearning stir in his stomach so strong he felt that if he let go of the taller man now, he would never be able to experience warmth like this ever again.

“I forgive you, Akaashi.” Bokuto’s low voice rumbled throughout him, the words creating a blanket of relief cycle throughout his whole body. Akaashi let the silence envelope the two men for a while, their arms still around each other. 

It wasn’t only when Akaashi made to pull away that Bokuto finally broke the silence. 

“But I…I also left because you made me too sad,.” The words sunk into him like lead and Akaashi was surprised he was still standing. 

“It would probably be better if you didn’t attend the wedding tomorrow.” Bokuto added and cupped his face, pressing a kiss to his forehead before walking away. His lips were dry, Akaashi thought, too numb to process anything else. 

_“Don’t stay for me.” Akaashi pulled his hands away and grabbed the crumpled paper. “You can’t.”_

_Bokuto’s face crumpled and his eyes held an emotion, that even until now, Akaashi still couldn’t decipher._

_“I can’t what? Keiji?!” Bokuto exclaimed his fists clenched. “Are you saying I’m not able to carry a job that doesn’t revolve around volleyball?”_

_Akaashi grit his teeth. “That’s not what I meant.”_

_“What did you mean then?”_

_“I mean, we have to be logical about this. You can’t make your life choices around me!”_

_“Why not?! I love you enough!”_

_Akaashi couldn’t hold back the words he was going to say next and no matter how much he replayed this fight over and over in his head, he wondered that maybe shutting up would have saved him from a lifetime of heartbreak._

_“Because I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do the same!”_

_At that Bokuto went eerily silent and the room had turned cold after that. Akaashi had his hand pressed to his mouth, an apology not even able to crawl out his lips. He had dug too deep. He couldn’t fix this._

_“Get out.” Bokuto had said and Akaashi immediately ran, not knowing that would be the last time they spoke to each other in 9 years._

As he watched Bokuto’s shrinking figure go to where they had parked their respective cars hours ago, Akaashi thought that out of the two of them, it wasn’t Bokuto that was always too much. It was Akaashi. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> so I fell asleep and posted this at 12:30 lmao anyways once again no beta and on my phone but enjoy anyways :3
> 
> i listened to 'Sweet Dream, TN' by The Last Shadow Puppets while writing this and the title is also from the song
> 
> check out my [tumblr](http://jaegerboob.tumblr.com/)  
> and [twitter](https://twitter.com/stillhangingonn)


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